Granted! You rented a really good movie,but your DVD player smoked out and now you have to pay full price for the destroyed DVD.......
I wish my new girlfriend was here tonight.

 

She is but she has a terrible head cold and the nasal drip in the back of her throat make her sound like a man.

I wish I didnt get attached so easily.

 

Granted, however you find yourself unable to become attached to anyone, thus leading a lonely and miserable life alone.

I wish I had written a best selling novel

 

Granted. You make millions of dollars and can buy anything and i mean ANYTHING you want. You decide you want to buy yourself some "love" and end up with a smokin hot babe that will do anything and everything for you...except shutting the fuck up. Shge talks incescantly about piddly bullshit that your couldn't care less about. This unwanted drivle drives you bat shit fucking crazy and you end up strangling her. Well you get caught trying to dispose of her body and lose all your money in legal fees

I wish my nose would stop running

 

Granted, it stops but then you find so has your heart.

I wish I could travel to another planet.

 

Granted. You find out all those rumors about aliens probing you are true.

I wish my heart would start working again.

 

Granted, your heart starts working again, but now your liver is starting to go

I wish I was done with my Christmas shopping.

 

Granted. You decide your not gonna buy anyone anything for christmas. Many people are pissed off and label you an ass hat. You no longer have friends

I wish for happiness

 

Granted, but you lose the respect of everyone as you laugh at other's misfortunes.

I wish I could find my 'personal hot'

 

Granted, but it turns out to be a long dead mummy who was infected with a disease that survived into the 21st Century on it's wrapping but has not been seen in the modern age thus making the W.H.O. have to incenrate the both of you to protect the world.

I wish my brother-in-law wasn't such an asshole

 

Granted, but the next time you see him, he's................................dead!!!!!!!
I wish I was omniscient

 

Granted. People keep stepping in puddles of you.

I wish for more carmel apples. mmmmmmmmmmmmm*drools*

 

How would that be a horrible wish, I can't stand him.

Granted but soon you find everything you eat turns into carmel apples causing you to gain a lot of weight and complete tooth loss.
I wish for a quiet evening at home.

 

Wish granted. Everything seems nice and quiet, but then you realize you can't remove the cotton that is in both ears.

I wish I understood women better.

 

Granted. You understand us because your now a chick yourself.

I wish i would get sleepy.

 

Wish granted. However, you can't go to sleep because you still need to wrap the gifts for the orphanage.

I wish I could find that darn sock that always seems to go missing when I put the laundry away.

 

Granted, but now the one you can always seem to find goes missing.

I wish I was able to fly.

 

You can fly but your directionaly challenge and have terrible depth perception. Your get lost and crash into things.

I wish I wouldnt get in trouble with the police when I go to try and steal the street sign in a few minutes.

 

Granted but with the sign gone people start becoming lost and drive into your home.

I wish my wife would wake up and show me where she hid the gifts.

 

Granted. She shows you by beating you with your own presents.

I wish my thread wouldnt keep dieing